im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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