I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
