Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
