We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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