Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
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