I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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