What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
