You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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