Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
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I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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