no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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