you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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