so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
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I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
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Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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