The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
