Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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