im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
