Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
