Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
