I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
