you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
tell me about the eggs
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