I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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