I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
