fuck your aforementioned shoe
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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