is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
