I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
