I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
