she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
