Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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