you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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