Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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