Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
