Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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