the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
