I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
