I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
