dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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