So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
