Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
