it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You are the jesus of drinking
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
