sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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