Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
