Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
