I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
