Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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