i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I have feelings that need drinking.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
