just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
