ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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