So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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