i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
