I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
