Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
