And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
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Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
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Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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