How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
