i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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