i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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