I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
