hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think my moral compass just broke
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
