I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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