Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
